Sunday, May 24, 2009

Grief, Laugh, Love, and Pain~But Most of All ~ FEEL

A lot has been going on in my life lately. My Sister-in-law died on Friday. (Some of the family feel it was intentional, but the Doctor ruled it as an accidental overdose). My Brother-in-law, her Brother) died the following Wednesday.

Sometimes death is just not real to me. I remember when I was a child of 4 and my Grandfather died. My older Brother (by 14 months) told me I had to cry because our Grand-daddy was dead and everyone else was crying. Of course I did not realize what "being dead" meant. I did realize when being told by my older Brother that I had to do something meant. It meant I was NOT about to do what he told me to! He pinched me, kicked me, even resorted to biting me, and the more he hurt me, the more determined I was NOT to cry. He told me I had to cry and to stop being so stubborn. Well, the more he told me I had to cry, the more determined I was not to cry. It became really personal with me.I just knew I was going to show him that I did not have to cry just because he said I had to. I put on my determined face, glared my "mean" look at him, and sat there more stone-faced than ever! I actually remember very little of the funeral services excpect that I never cried or felt anything close to sadness.
I told my Brother recently that he jinxed me. To this day, I do not cry when someone dies. To me death is a necessary part of life and we begin life to live each of our given days until we are given the day we die. I know this sounds a bit morbid, but it is my way of dealing with death.
There are different kinds of deaths in our lives. The deaths we go through in our life when the person is still here is much more painful to me. In a Divorce, we face the death of our marriage. In the end of anykind of a relationship, we face an ending, which is the death of it.
The ending of something means the beginning of something else. It may not be what we had in our blueprints for our life. However, sometimes the rough draft gets changed a lot along the way.We deal with the deaths, the beginnings, and the endings in different ways.
I may not cry at when someone dies, but I feel it. We all deal with grief in our own way. Let me chose not to cry if that is what I want. It doesn't mean I don't feel as intensely as the person beside me with tears flowing down her face.

So, don't take it personal if you don't see me cry. My tears may be of the silent kind.


Rose said...

I'm so sorry for your recent loss of your sister-in-law and her brother. It is very sad.

I also understand that you cannot cry.

I remember when my brother at age 25 died and the priest told me to stop crying because my mother was in the other room screaming and that I had to be strong for her.

I think it was the worst thing that priest could have said to someone. It took years for me to let out the pain. I tortured myself and went to the grave site every day for years and years.

I finally cried and I then stopped going to the cemetary.

That was in the late 70s and many years have past.

I don't hold in the pain anymore.

Hugs, Rose

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