Grief, Laugh, Love, and Pain~But Most of All ~ FEEL

A lot has been going on in my life lately. My Sister-in-law died on Friday. (Some of the family feel it was intentional, but the Doctor ruled it as an accidental overdose). My Brother-in-law, her Brother) died the following Wednesday.

Sometimes death is just not real to me. I remember when I was a child of 4 and my Grandfather died. My older Brother (by 14 months) told me I had to cry because our Grand-daddy was dead and everyone else was crying. Of course I did not realize what "being dead" meant. I did realize when being told by my older Brother that I had to do something meant. It meant I was NOT about to do what he told me to! He pinched me, kicked me, even resorted to biting me, and the more he hurt me, the more determined I was NOT to cry. He told me I had to cry and to stop being so stubborn. Well, the more he told me I had to cry, the more determined I was not to cry. It became really personal with me.I just knew I was going to show him that I did not have to cry just because he said I had to. I put on my determined face, glared my "mean" look at him, and sat there more stone-faced than ever! I actually remember very little of the funeral services excpect that I never cried or felt anything close to sadness.
I told my Brother recently that he jinxed me. To this day, I do not cry when someone dies. To me death is a necessary part of life and we begin life to live each of our given days until we are given the day we die. I know this sounds a bit morbid, but it is my way of dealing with death.
There are different kinds of deaths in our lives. The deaths we go through in our life when the person is still here is much more painful to me. In a Divorce, we face the death of our marriage. In the end of anykind of a relationship, we face an ending, which is the death of it.
The ending of something means the beginning of something else. It may not be what we had in our blueprints for our life. However, sometimes the rough draft gets changed a lot along the way.We deal with the deaths, the beginnings, and the endings in different ways.
I may not cry at when someone dies, but I feel it. We all deal with grief in our own way. Let me chose not to cry if that is what I want. It doesn't mean I don't feel as intensely as the person beside me with tears flowing down her face.

So, don't take it personal if you don't see me cry. My tears may be of the silent kind.

Anyone For Blogging ??

When I first started this Blog, I was determined to keep it active and not let it be a chore for me.
Now I feel like it is like a diet, I have to keep motivated to keep doing it!! How do others blog everyday?
Someone out there in Blogging Land send me some pointers!! I have a lot of things to post on here, yet I get lazy and don't do it.I only have three followers.(Holding my head in shame). Well, it's not like anyone has something to follow on here.

Helppppppppp .. fellow bloggers .. let me know you are out there. Pick me ! Give me some incinitive to blog!!

My Lucky Day

I am not much of a shopper, but I decided to go to the Dillaird's Grand Opening Sale this week-end. I had never gone to a Dillaird's before and was looking forward to checking it out. It did not take me long to know I would not be a regular customer as the prices were much too high for my budget. I was thrilled however to win a $1000.00 shopping spree to Dillaird's yesterday! I so rarely buy anything for myself, so I felt completely overwhelmed. I do intend to take this money and purchase some new clothes for myself and maybe some of the new Ralph Lauren, Notorious perfume.

Hallmark Moment

I felt so sad at my Ex FIL's wake. I stood at his side and had my hand on his casket. My Ex walked up and laid his hand on top on mine. For a brief moment, all the memories (well, the good ones) of when we were married overwhelmed me and I felt a bit sick. At that moment his Dear Wife came over and stood beside him also and put his other hand over hers. I could not help but think of other people seeing us standing there, the three of us, Ex wife on one side, Ex Husband in middle, and Wife on other side, all holding hands as if we were holding on together. The stories that can be made in one's mind when the reality is nothing like what the view looks like.

Brain Fart

I just realized something. I thought I had transferred my Blog from AOL. I suppose it should have dawned on me AOL's ad would not still be on my blog if I had transferred it. I think I need to give my brain a rest. I don't have enough space in my brain right now to deal with much more today.

Elderly Complex Destroyed by Arson, Residents Have No Home

Firemen sorting throught the

ruins of the Complex.

Lady recieving assistence through Red Cross.

Some of the residents of the complex watching in shock, horror, and fear.

I am tired past the point of exhaustion. I wish I could turn off the rambling thoughts in my brain and lie down and rest, possible even sleep.I woke up this morning after a tense sleep, forgetting the fire had happened. I went to feed my cat and my Mother was lying on the sofa bed, with her dog snuggled next to her. The comfort she finds in her dog is amazing. The sight of her and her dog quickly brought back the last 48 hours. I could see the fire all over again and all the elderly people lying on the ground, those w/o their oxygen, those w/o their robes or shoes, lying on the cold ground, and crying. One poor woman cried for her Daddy. This woman was probably in her 80s. I got a blanket from Red Cross and covered her up, hugged her close to me to give her bodily heat and a human touch. She begged me to find her Daddy. I really didn't know if she was in a state of shock or had a bit of demintia, but I assured her that her Daddy was okay. What do we tell those at a time like that ? I think God understood I did the best I could. She ended up being one of the elderly transported to the hospital due to not having her oxygen. A man sat in a wheelchair, he had no legs but he sat there patiently, watching the fire burn his home down. I did not know what to say to him, so I just got him a blanket and covered him also. I asked him if I could call anyone for him. He told me he had nobody to call. My Mother, in her own need to avoid the reality of losing her home walked around offering assistence to others. She is 82 and needed assistence herself, but she did not stop looking around for her friends that also lived at the Elderly Complex. She needed re-assurance that her friends were alive and out of the burning building. The two people who had jumped from the second floor were taken to the hospital. Amid the chous was an errie sense of calmness. I thought of all these people, most of them in their 80s and realized they were survivors. Most of them had been through more in their life than I would ever know of and this was just another hurdle in the battle of life for them to overcome .. and overcome it they would. They would somehow get past this time in their life and come back an even stronger person. Perhaps temporarily set back, but their spirit not broken.
I sit her this morning, with the smell of smoke around me. I managed to get a few of my Mother's belongings yesterday. The smell of smoke is so intense to me . I want to throw all the things away, but my Mother looks through her slightly damp pictures, remembering every moment in her life and I know somehow I will find the strength to deal with a little discomfort in my own life to help her keep her memories intact.I see her with her head down, looking at someone in a long ago snapshot. I wonder what is going on in her mind. I leave her alone with her memories, knowing for a few golden moments she can forget the tragedy of losing her home and belongings. What is a little bit of smoke in life compared to raging fires that destroy lives and homes ? When my Mother gets upset and worried about losing her home, I remind her of things to be thankful for, no deaths, very little injuries, and material possessions can never replace a life. Live's were not lost, material possessions were. Grieve for what one needs to, but don't borrow grief when there is reason for gratefulness instead.

My Mother and her Dog.

Sooooooooo Confused

Is everyone as confused as I or am I the only confused one? I feel so dumb with this blogging stuff. Blogging is bigger than MySpace !! How can I possible NOT know how to do the Blog thing? I bet even McCain knows how to blog ! Now it gets even worse. I tried uploading a video clip so you guys could listen to the kind of music I enjoy and I couldn't figure out how to do it. Maybe I will go to BooksAMillion tomorrow and see if they have a book for Blogging for Dummies. If they don't, maybe I will write one and teach myself blogging as I go along.